


a sacrifice is made, and people are never the same

by neobiasedx



Category: NCT (Band), Red Velvet (K-pop Band), SHINee
Genre: Anorexia, Anxiety, Bulimia, Depression, Eating Disorders, Heavy Angst, M/M, Nightmares, References to Depression, Social Anxiety, Suicide, i remembered the park and zhong vlive when jisung was asked about depression and based it off that, idk why i wrote this tbh, this is fucking sad, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-03
Updated: 2018-07-03
Packaged: 2019-06-04 17:48:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15152435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neobiasedx/pseuds/neobiasedx
Summary: jisung has seen too much.





	a sacrifice is made, and people are never the same

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING
> 
> there are mentions of suicide, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and more in this. please do not read if this will trigger you or harm your mental health in any way. stay safe, and take care of yourselves. 
> 
> i do not know if these things have happened or are real in any way. the only facts in this story are that donghyuck had a scandal, jaemin had to leave NCT Dream because of his back, jeno was in commercials as a child, chenle had a childhood singing career, jonghyun committed suicide, jisung attended his funeral, and that chenle and jisung did a vlive where they were asked about depression and jisung changed the subject.

Some of the things Jisung noticed were not things a teenager was supposed to endure. 

One time, he walked past the public girls restroom in the middle of their building, and heard retching, choking sounds. Approximately two minutes later, he saw his Seulgi noona walk out of the bathroom, wiping her sweaty face with a paper towel, taking out her phone to research better ways to rid the food from her body without hurting her throat. 

Another, he saw a scar across Mark’s upper forearm that spelled out the word ‘die’ in English. Jisung didn’t know the language that well, but he knew that the connotation of the word wasn’t good. Later, he looked it up and saw what it meant. The only other thing he remembered from that day was the makeup artists chiding him for not hiding it well.

He saw Donghyuck deteriorate after his scandal. The amount of hate mail and messages he got were horrible. The rumours were far fetched and complete shit, but people believed it. He saw him get called into an office and felt the intense fear that he wouldn’t come back. He heard the yells and screams directed towards the teenager who didn’t do anything wrong. When Donghyuck left the office, the familiar light in his eyes was gone, and it didn’t come back for a long time. 

Jaemin once ended a practice sprawled on the floor screaming in pain. They let him go all throughout Chewing Gum promotions with his screwed up back, and it payed the price. Jaemin hyung, the older boy who had become a great friend over the many years he had been with him, would not return to NCT Dream for a long time. Jisung didn’t even know if Mark hyung would still be in the group when Jaemin came back. 

People always thought Renjun was naturally skinny, but they didn’t know about the plethora of meals he skipped. The effort he put into his looks only to be called a, ‘visual hole.’ Jisung once had a hold of his phone and looked through his hyung’s search history to find articles about anxiety and depression, and if eating disorders affected those in any way. Apparently it did, but it’s not like Renjun paid attention. 

Jeno had been on T.V. screens since he was a little boy. Jeno and Jisung were the key dancers of NCT Dream and they knew it. Jeno spent countless hours in the studios they worked in, always saying that he wasn’t sure that he got this part down. He never messed up the choreo once, but he kept practicing it. One time, he collapsed out of sheer exhaustion, malnutrition, and dehydration. He was kept in the hospital for one day, then he was released to practice more. No one knew about it except the managers and NCT Dream. 

Chenle graced more screens than even Jeno did. He probably could have created a career out of his singing by himself. His high sweet voice captured the hearts of many. It ripped through his throat at night too. His screams echoed through their shared bedroom, inadvertently waking Jisung up. He screamed about something chasing him, something holding him back from something. It was almost incoherent, but Jisung understood. When Chenle apologized for it every morning, Jisung never accepted his sorrys. 

Jisung and Renjun once were walking around the dorms. Jisung knew Renjun was trying to get his exercise in that he didn’t need, and the maknae just wanted calm himself down. They passed by Mark and Donghyuck’s dorm room, and heard them arguing. It wasn’t an abnormal occurrence, but today they heard the words, “What if they found out about us?” The duo knew what they meant, of course, but they didn’t acknowledge it ever again. His two hyungs never came out, not even to the other members. 

When Jisung was 15, he didn’t know about it until all the news outlets did. His senior, one of his idols, Jonghyun sunbaenim, had killed himself. They found his body and coal briquettes burning on a frying pan in his apartment. Even young Jisung could put two and two together. He attended the funeral, cameras flashing in his swollen face, and he hoped nobody would notice the fresh tears springing to his already red eyes.

On a VLIVE he and Chenle once did, someone asked about their depression. Chenle said he didn’t really understand it, and there was some truth to that. It was hard to understand, even if you lived it every day. He turned the question to Jisung, who realized he could go on and on about how it works, how it takes form. But, Jisung would never know how to fix it. Not truly fix it anyway. So, Jisung just changed the subject. 

Seeing all of this really fucks up a person on the inside. He’s been surrounded by this since he was 11 years old. Jisung wasn’t ok, none of them were. No one is. The first thing they tell you when you join a company is, “Being an idol is a huge sacrifice, and there are things you have to give up.” They never tell you that one of them is your own fucking health.

But you know you have to. Jisung knew he had to at the age of eleven. 

Nevertheless, he still signed the contract.

**Author's Note:**

> i do not know if these things have happened or are real in any way. the only facts in this story are that donghyuck had a scandal, jaemin had to leave NCT Dream because of his back, jeno was in commercials as a child, chenle had a childhood singing career, jonghyun committed suicide, jisung attended his funeral, and that chenle and jisung did a vlive where they were asked about depression and jisung changed the subject. 
> 
> that's all for today.


End file.
